Me (song)

The ashes on my guitar strings

Remind me how we used to singAbout us

I walk around this empty town

And think of how we used to sing

About us

But now I sing about me

Oh, I sing about me

I sing about

The sunshine on my hammock strings

Reminds me how we used to sing

About us

I walk the sands in my hand-me-downs

And think of how we used to sing

About us

But now I sing about me

Oh, I sing about me

I sing about

Climbing mountains and crossing streams, 

the little fluff on my ukulele strings,

The green of the ocean, summer air,

The subtle rainbows, and dandelion dreams.

Now I sing about me

Oh, I’ll sing about me.

I sing about

Rising waters and perfect storms

The Heavens hath no fury like a woman scorned

Oh, me. I sing about me…

I curse the roof over my head,

I count the stars above my bed,

Oh, me.

The falling leaves trickling down the trees

Remind me how we used to sing

About us

I still sing about us

And I sing about me

Oh, I sing it out. 

Long Lost 

We’re sitting in the car. Music is blaring and no one is on this old road. You’re driving faster than you should, but I love how brave you are. Fearless, reckless, and kind, and you love me despite my lack of those qualities.

This is your favorite song. “Turn it up,” you cheer at me. I do, and we sing along. It dies down and I finally find the breath to ask where we’re going. “It’s a surprise,” you say, “better than the last one.” 

That’s exciting, since the last surprise was a trip to the lake to see a flower growing in the rust at the end of the dock. 

I love the ways life finds itself a place to be. 

“We’re almost there–just a few more minutes, I think.”

You, uh, think? Have you been here before?

“Not exactly, I just know it’s here. There’s a story out here somewhere.”

What is it?

“Something dire.” 

That’s not a word you want to hear when you’re in the backwoods of North Dakota. We’re heading north, so we have to be close to the border by now; it’s been a long drive.

What should I be expecting?

“C’mon. Don’t ask me that! This will be great.” 

Okay.

“It’s an adventure!”

Okay!

I wish I could see the sun setting through these trees, but the woods are so thick, and the green of the leaves is slowly turning grey.

“We’re here.”

Where is here?

“Let’s see.”

We walk through the woods for about twenty minutes and you’re just singing that song again as I count my steps, just in case. I always loved your voice, but you never liked to sing around anyone else.

Then I look up and you’re gone.

Panic is starting to sink in when I hear you call out, “HEY! OVER HERE!”

I half jog, half flail to your voice. Then I see it. 

Holy shit.

“Right?”

This isn’t what I think it is. Why here? How?

“I told you there was a story out here, silly. A journey through time.”

This is my brother’s car.

And it was. A 1970 Chevy Nova, custom. It has a little lightning bolt near the rear fender. The paint is faded and the metal is all rusty now, but everything is here. He built it himself and now it’s a ghost, just like him.

“Maybe we’ll finally find him. He’s out here, somewhere, alive. I know you know it.” 

Maybe you’re right.

The little things.

I hold things too close–so close that I have a hard time letting go. 

I still wear the headbands; the one Paige gave me, the one Kayla gave me, and the one Rhett gave me. 

I remember when I broke the blue one. Carly wrapped it around my black one and tied it together. “It’s a friendship bracelet,” she said.

So much for that. 

I still wear the glasses Morgan gave me. I told her I’d give them back, and I meant it, but I can’t bring myself to make that drive.

I still wear the flannel Michaela gave me. It’s gotten too warm to wear now, and I miss how it felt to show off.

I still keep her letter in my journal. I read it every time I go to write something new in the pages; a reminder to be something great. 

I still wear the scars from my past. No one sees them but me. 

I wonder if Paige kept my poem.

I wonder if Kayla kept my book.

I wonder if Carly finished those cookies.

I wonder if Michaela still has that God damed honey mustard. 

I wonder how long I’ll remember what made my relationships special. I wonder if they think about me. I wonder how long I’ll remember the little things. 

Cross the Line (Song)

This is a reminder to the voice inside my head:

You do not own me and you’ll get some rest when I am dead, oh

I am out of my mind.

I’ll finish writing sex,

And talk to my ex,

When I

Cross the line this time!

This is a reminder to the people in the streets:

Don’t take for granted all the cool kids and the people you meet, oh

I am out of my mind!

I’ll finish biting necks,

And car-crashing wrecks

When I

Cross the line this time.

This a reminder for the lily pad rejects:

Eat your cereal and wear a condom when you send a text, oh

I am out of my mind!

I’ll finish my confessions

In a pastor’s presence

When I

Cross the line this time.

Oh, I am out of my mind!

I am out of my mind!

I’ll finish making bets

With my silhouette

When I

Cross the line this time… 

Secrets (song)

Light the cigarette and breathe it in,

And let it lift your skeleton 

Off the ground.

Take a step so you can taste it…

And let it all sink in…

I wish somebody played with my hair.

I don’t need it, but I want it;

I wish somebody was still there.

I want my secrets scattered on my bedroom floor!

Like the clothes we both slung off when we were bored.

My hands are shaking on the chords now!

I’ve stopped tucking in my shirt now,

Because it just keeps coming out when I move around! 

I used sit outside and watch the rain fall slowly,

But now I sit inside with lights off with my headphones on… And there’s no sound.

I wish somebody played with my hair.

I don’t need it, but I want it;

I wish somebody was still there.

I want my secrets scattered on my bedroom floor!

Like the clothes we both slung off when we were bored.

My hands are shaking on the chords now!

I wish somebody played with my hair!

I wish somebody helped me down the stairs

When I’ve been drinking,

Help me get this sinking feeling out of my veins, 

So I can go to sleep.

My Thoughts 03/19/2016

Kayla
I remember the last time you and I hung out. Like, REALLY hung out. We went to Greenville, Coffee Underground. I remember you were hungry, but didn’t want to buy anything, so I bought a black bean quesadilla and we split it. You never ate enough, and I told you that. 
I miss you often. I cried one day last week. You were one of my closest friends. I didn’t mean for all of that to happen and I thought you would see that. I wasn’t trying to break you and Rhett apart, regardless of what it seemed. You guys are great together and I hope you stay that way for some time. 
I was never in love with you. I thought I was, but I still wasn’t over Michaela. I’m still not. It’s been really tough for me. I still wake up wishing she was in my bed, but most days I just want her out of my head. 
I thought about you today. Your smile, your laugh, and all the times I made them appear. I thought about how we used to write together. 
And then I thought more in depth on that. I remember you saying we were a bad influence on each other. Now I see that it was true. I just didn’t want to lose you as a friend. Now there’s no changing that, ever. 
Did you know I wanted to ask Carly out? I intended to take her out a few times just her and me, then finally see if she’d be down to date. She’s really cool. 
Asshole told me he wanted to make out with her and it made me sad. I didn’t want to hear about it. Because that was supposed to be me eventually. I had plans and everything. Date ideas. Surprises. The works. 
I don’t know. I’m just rambling now, and I have to get back to work soon. I hope you’re doing well, and hey, maybe someday we will wake up on the other side of the world, shining bright enough to see each other from outer space. Not a love thing, just as friends again. 
I’m sorry for everything that happened. 
These are my thoughts. One day you can read them. 
3/19/2016

A New Start

I drive way too fast down these empty roads.

I drive way too fast…

My mind is racing like my tires on the pavement!

I lose all control.

I’ve lost all control!

My head hits the asphalt.

My head hits the asphalt!

I wake up on the stairs,

And I see you standing there,

And you said,

“Why do you

Do all of this for me?

You drank all the gasoline!

You set off my smoke alarm,

So I’d have to come back home.”

And I said,

“I do all of this for me!

Because you keep on forgiving me!

You don’t see my sins, but purity.

I just wanted you back home.” 

I drink way too much when I’m alone.

I drink way too much…

My mind is empty like these bottles on the pavement.

I lose all control.

I’ve lost all control!

My head hits the asphalt.

My head hits the asphalt!

I wake up on the stairs,

And I see you standing there,

And you said,

“Why do you

Do all of this for me?

You drank all the gasoline!

You set off my smoke alarm,

So I’d have to come back home.”

And I said,

“I do all of this for me!

Because you keep on forgiving me!

You don’t see my sins, but purity.

I just wanted you back home.” 

I just wanted you back… home.

I wake up on the stairs,

And I see you standing there.

And you said,

“Why do I

Take you for granted,

Between the sheets, you’re like a planet.

Pull me in to your orbit

And I’ll beam you back the stars!”

And I said,

“Why do you

Feel so conflicted?

A penny chance, a dime for distance.

Just pull me in, I’ll find persistence,

And I’ll show you my escape.”

And you said,

“Why can’t I

Just keep forgiveness,

Tucked within my sleeve,

Persistence never was my go to getaway.”

And I said,

“I’ll give you patience.

Take my hand, you’ll never face these empty bottles or these empty roads alone.”

And she said,

“I never knew you,

But I thought that I knew you,

And I wanna know you once again.”

And I said,

“You don’t know me,

But I don’t know me,

So take a leap, for goodness sake, and be my friend.”

And she said…